20 Worst Things President Trump Could Say To The Visiting Chinese Leader

The world is holding its breath as the Insulter-in-Chief meets Asia’s most powerful president

I can’t even write this caption I’m so nervous. If Trump screws this up with President Jinping, we are all so fucking dead.

President Xi Jinping of China will arrive in Florida on Thursday to meet with President Trump at his Mar-A-Lago estate for two days of high level talks.

But Trump administration officials are said to be concerned about the president’s potential for making careless verbal gaffs and tweeting cultural insults that could lead to an international incident.

Senior staff has gone so far as to hand Mr. Trump a list of things he should not say in the company of President Jinping.

That confidential White House memo to the president is reprinted below:

Mr. President, 
Please study the statements below, then summarily discard them from your memory. Don’t say them. Don’t even think them. The world is counting on you, sir:

  1. Let’s talk trade. I’m making my dress shirts in Vietnam, the double-breasted suits in Bangledesh, and my signature Trump ties in Mexico. But I’d be happy to throw your people more of the apparel work if you know a guy.
  2. I grew up loving Hop Sing on Bonanza. You ever watch Bonanza as a kid?
  3. I used to have a Chinese tenant in one of my buildings. Or maybe the guy was Japanese. Or was he Korean? No matter…same difference.
  4. So I would have won by like 3–5 million votes if all those Hillary supporters hadn’t driven over to New Hampshire from Massachusetts…
  5. Look, when I questioned the legitimacy of the “One China Policy,” I didn’t know what the fuck I was talking about. I had no idea you even cared about Taiwan. I don’t even know where the place is!
  6. Come on, tell me, Xi. Is it true what they say about Asian pussy? Horizontal?
  7. We absolutely love the Chinese people here in America. If it hadn’t been for your hardworking Chinamen, we wouldn’t have a transcendental railroad.
  8. I talked to the chef about roasting up some dog for dinner, but all he had was a couple of Akitas and I know you’re not crazy about Japanese…
  9. I wrote The Art Of The Deal, okay? So don’t even try to out deal me, Xi. Just give me the secret to putting those little strips of paper inside the fortune cookies and we can call it a day.
  10. You like ping pong? We have ping pong down in the basement.
  11. Check out the collar on this shirt, Xi. Perfecto, right? I got a great Chinese hand laundry guy back in New York — Chen, Chun, Chin…something like that. Miracle worker with anything cotton.
  12. Do you know General Tso personally? We’re crazy about his chicken over here.
  13. You gotta get this psycho Kim Jong-un off my back, Xi, he’s giving me agita. Let’s set something up between that bloated buckethead and my Assistant Secretary of State, Dennis Rodman.
  14. I loved Kung Fu. Big fan of David Carradine’s. He crushed it in like every episode.
  15. So I’m down in Chinatown and I see these two old ladies spitting like a couple of sailors. One hawked all over my limo. What’s with all the gobbing gooks, Xi? It’s disgusting.
  16. Okay, time to get down to brass tax: you got nukes, I got nukes. You’re going to give me all your nukes, and in exchange I’m going to give you Halle Berry, Nicolas Cage, Lady Gaga, and Bieber. And I’ll throw in Rosie O’Donnell for nothing.
  17. Yeah, it was called The Apprentice. Huge ratings. Then Schwarzenegger took over and fucked it all up.
  18. I’m no good with the wooden chopsticks, Xi. If it’s the same to you, I’m going to stick with the monogrammed Tiffany silverware.
  19. I’m curious about these man-made islands you’re building in the South China Sea. Why don’t you talk to Donnie Jr. about putting up some first-class Trump resorts on a few of them? And what about the offshore banks, can we use those for laundering rubles?
  20. I don’t know if you fool around, Xi, but you really oughta try some Slovenian. Obedient, keep their mouths shut, and crazy hot wearing crotchless lace.

****

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