7 Types of Social Media Friends We All Have In Common
I have reluctantly been an active user of social media for just over the last decade. Notice how I said it like the regretful addict of a life ravaging drug who’s coming clean to their loved ones might. One who desperately wishes they could stop but makes no real effort to do so. That’s how it feels to me some days. Like I’d be better off logging out and never looking back — but can’t.
During my decade and then some here in the wild wild west of the web, I’ve come across just about every type of social media friend and follower imaginable. However it is my suspicion there are certain prototypes of virtual nuisances we all have in common. I’ve curated a list of some of the most obnoxious and obvious offenders we all just can’t seem to get away from across all platforms.
The Multiple Account Maker
I’ve had a Facebook account since 2009. The same Facebook account. Unlike my keys or my cool on occasion, I’ve managed to not lose it. I’m proud to say I’ve never so much as had my account suspended. I’ve never made a second one to stalk an ex who blocked me or to say shitty things to people over the internet anonymously. However, I’ve seen all of these things happen regularly.
Once every few weeks I get a friend request from the same girl I barely know. Until recently, I mindlessly just accepted them. My friends list is not some point of pride of mine. Barring I genuinely and openly dislike you and everything you stand for, if you send me a friend request I’ll more than likely accept it. I must have accepted over ten requests from this same person, from ten different accounts. Then the other week, Facebook informed me a dozen people had a birthday that day — and they were all her.
Listen, if you can’t manage to keep track of one Facebook account, not lose privileges to it or remember the password for it perhaps this social media thing just isn’t for you. The rest of us seem to have no problem, I don’t understand what the issue is. Make an account, log in once on your phone, don’t say shitty or scary things to others on it and boom, you’re golden. You’ll never have to be the multiple account maker all of us are tired of getting requests from. We know you’re up to no good on that shifty second account.
The Faceless Facebook Wonder
Another phenomenon I just don’t get, the account with no profile picture. I come across this all the time in the dreaded “People You May Know” section. This is 2018. How hard it is to upload a picture of yourself and what are you hiding? I get not everyone is photogenic but come on, man. Get it together. Find your angle, use a filter, put a picture of your kid up if you have to. Anyone using the default as their profile pic is suspect, that’s just common knowledge.
The Half Ass Hiatus Taker
We’re all familiar with this one. The friend that regretfully informs everyone “they’ll be taking a break from social media for awhile to focus on themselves” as if it is some sort of public service announcement. Please, spare us all the soliloquy. Who are these people kidding anyway? We all know they’re going to be back in less than 48 hours…probably from a second account. Major violators will not only be back from a second account — they also won’t have profile picture for it. There’s really just no helping these people.
The Facebook Felon/ Twitter Tough Guy
These folks come in a few different forms so I’ll be sure to try and cover all the bases. The most common kind of Facebook felon or Twitter tough guy I come across is the one that’s never been in an actual fight their entire lives but would have the internet believe they’re the second coming of Al Capone himself. Please, grow up and find an identity. We all stopped buying in to the charade somewhere around eleventh grade. We know you’re just a scared, insecure child on the inside. Let’s move on.
I’m not sure why some people can’t seem to keep their crimes off of the internet. Some make public threats about the harm they intend to cause and then actually go and cause the said harm they promised to. Wow, how incredibly stupid can you be? Though not nearly as common, others record themselves in the act of actually committing crimes and then later post it to social media. This takes a level of stupidity that all you can do is just shake your head at but believe me, it happens. Ask rappers Meek Mill or DMX.
The Raging Racist Right Winger
To clarify, being a republican doesn’t make you a racist and neither does supporting the right. However, writing passionate paragraphs about how and why we need to keep foreigners out of this country, pretty much does. Writing subtle and subliminal statuses supporting hateful things done and said by other racists, also does. The rest of us can read between the lines, you don’t have to keep beating around the bush, we get it. Best of luck on making America great again.
The Leaf Loving Leftist
Sorry, you guys aren’t getting off that easy. I’m sure you were all giddy reading the paragraph above so it’s only fair you stick around for this one, if you’re even still reading. We get it, you love sovereignty and salads. Just pipe down about it. No need to go so public with it. Not all of us are as interested in your dietary choices or political views as you think we are. The occasional check in at whatever vegan cuisine joint you ventured off to that day is fine, we’ll tolerate it. We expect an impulsive status update here and there, after all it’s understandably commonplace in Trump’s America. All I’m asking is you have more self control and consideration for the rest of us than Trump himself does and maybe not post your every opinion or piece of tofu.
The Instagram Hipster
Listen, I love the gram as much as the next guy but it was no doubt created with the modern hipster in mind. The filters alone capture irony in a way that’s just adored by vintage tee shirt wearing, Pabst blue ribbon drinking millennials everywhere. Got a pair of Birkenstock’s or Uggs you want to show off, ever so subtly? Are you just really fond of flannel? Well, welcome to the basic white girl’s paradise known as Instagram. Be sure to hashtag your hashtags and don’t forget to frequently use the phrase ‘link in my bio’.