All the President’s women

Trump announces Presidents’ Day offer for women he harassed or with whom he had affairs with

Fictional Bureau
Washington DC

On the eve of Presidents’ day 2018, Donald Trump’s White House has announced a bumper bonanza for all the women who claim to have had affairs with Donald Trump consensually, and for all those women who were sexually harassed, and want to proceed with their charges.

All the President’s women

This one time only offer is valid till the end of day on Feb 23, 2018.

The way this offer works is pretty simple.

Whoever wants to claim any or all of the above (consensual affair or harassment claim), will have to fill out a form with their details and provide some proof of their identity. Within 24 hours, a White House staffer will get in touch with him asking them to sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement which is valid till the lifetime of the claimant. Once signed, the proposed money will be transferred to their bank accounts within 3–4 business days. The NDA effectively shuts down the claimant from talking about the affair or incident with anyone permanenly.

Simple enough?

So what’s really attractive about the Presidents’ Day offer?

Well. The claimants get 20% bonus on top of what the usually offered money is under such circumstances. Yes, that’s 20% more.

Here is a rate chart published by the White House for circulation:

This offer is even more amazing because the form the claimants will have to fill in, doesn’t seem to have too many details. In other words, the President or the staff are really not spending much time validating the claims because the goal seems to be ‘to shut as many people as possible in the shortest possible time’.

Meanwhile, President Trump met with Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin) at Mar-a-Lago during the weekend, to ask him to allocate $100 million dollars in the federal budget towards these settlements.

Disclaimer: This is a work of satire aimed to humor those who enjoy such.