Bill O’Reilly Now Forced To Wear Pants During Broadcasts, Due To Sexual Harassment Claims.
By Steven W. Rouach
Bill O’Reilly, having recently sucessfully compared Maxine Waters’ hair to James Brown (Due to his claims that Maxine Waters’ hair simultaniously “Feels Good”, and also, that it knew that it would), O’Reilly is now taking time from his very busy schedule of sexually assaulting female Fox News employees, to devote more time to sexually assaulting other female Fox News employees.
There are so far six known cases of sexual harassment against O’Reilly, which sadly, means there are probably many more unknown cases. Due to these allegations Fox News upper management has forced O’Reilly to start wearing pants during his broadcasts.
Up to this point O’Reilly was known to show up to the set of his show “the Erotic O’Reilly Factor” completetly naked from the waist down except for a red ribbon wrapped around his penis and tied in a bow. The executives at Fox decided that O’Reilly’s refusal to wear pants sends the wrong message, as well as possibly contributing to O’Reilly’s mood getting overtly and abundantly “feely”.
Original plans for Fox to team up O’Reilly, Bill Cosby and Roger Ailes for a new Fox sitcom entitled “Three Men And A Baby who is suing all three of them for sexual misconduct” have since been scrapped.
Also, any advertisers who speak english have pulled their ads from O’Reilly’s show. Said one advertiser, “I speak english, so I pulled my advertising from the show due to my being able to easily understand why I did, because of my command of the english language. I assume if I spoke Spanish or conversational French I might still know about all the O’Reilly allegations, but I’d have no way of knowing for sure without first unlearning english”
O’Reilly, 67, despite having just turned 93, denies wrongdoing, saying in an April 1 statement that his high-powered job at Fox makes him “vulnerable” to lawsuits after he sexually assaults women, due to his being easily recognizable.
“It’s not fair. If I was less easy to recognize I’d get a lot more sexual assault done and have to pay out a lot less in cover-up money.” Said O’Reilly.
O’Reilly also said: “The worst part of my job is being a target for those who would harm me and my employer, the Fox News Channel, just because they were sexually harassed by me and my employer the Fox News Channel.”
Thus far there has been 13,000,000 dollars paid in O’Reilly settlements which is the amount of money it costs to send Trump to and from Mar-a-Lago, an expense Trump recently justified with this statement: “F*#K all of YOU. I’m the president and I can do anything I want. Work harder and the country will be able to better afford my frivilous bi-weekly vacations where I play golf and think up new ridiculous and idiotic tweets. Also tell Bill O’Reilly he should first eat tic tacs and offer to buy women furniture before sexually assaulting them.”
O’Reilly follows former Fox News CEO Roger Ailes in Fox News’ time honored tradition of placing female Fox employess in constant fear of being sexually harassed due to Fox’s upper management’s belief that “all the adrenaline and fear these women constantly feel leads to a more intense work ethic as well as causing them to move unnaturally quickly from place to place within Fox, which helps them maintain their figure, which causes them to be harassed in what is considered a Caligula Loop”.
Ailes was recently ousted from Fox after it was discovered he was the result of an unfortunate incident where Albert Hitchcock’s DNA got fused with Curly from the Three Stooges’ DNA in an ill-fated teleportation experiment conducted by Jeff Goldblum.
Another reason Ailes was forced to resign was because of the numerous sexual harassment suits against Ailes, resulting in 20 million dollars in settlements, which is a benchmark O’Reilly hoped to top, but has thus far fallen 7 million dollars in settlements short of that goal.
A group of teenagers recently emerged from a mystery van and captured and unmasked O’Reilly to shockingly reveal him to be- still Bill O’Reilly.
Said O’Reilly: “All I needed was another 7 mill, and I would’ve gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for those meddling female Fox employees and their talking dog, Scooby Don’t.”
Steven W. Rouach
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