Donald Trump and Stephanie Clifford in ‘The Gathering Stormy’
This Weak in Politics, Vol. 119
March 8, 2018
It is very hard for us to put to words the sheer magnitude of the shit-storm that was this week. So, we will let Fred Willard express it for us.
There was so much news — from White House departures and the ongoing Russia investigation, to a porn star’s presidential lawsuits. Then, just when we think we have figured out how to recap the week’s news, Kim Jong Numbnuts and Donald J. Dingleberry decide they ought to announce a sit down. The mental image of that meeting makes it all worth it, but it is still a pain in the ass for a satire writer. Yes, this is satire. If you don’t think it’s all that funny, wait until later in this piece when we sing … you will laugh. Trust us!
As for us, we envision the conversation between Kim Jong Un and President Don Un would go something like this:
“Wow, you are fatter than you look on TV.”
“Your hands are tiny … is that true for all your people?”
“Just think where you’d be if you didn’t inherit all this from your father!”
“Your English is really not that bad!”
Then Trump would speak.
“Tell everyone you did this because I called you Rocket Man and said my button was bigger than yours, ok?”
Experts say that this may lead to a nuclear frieze, which seems like a really bad idea to us.
Back here in the United States, one of the big stories was the announcement that President Trump was planning to, and now in fact has, imposed a tariff on imported steel and aluminum, against the advice of people who … think about the economy and things.
We don’t want to overstate the impact this move is having and will have on everything from the economy to relationships with allies and even domestic politics. Prior to this move, Republicans were a little nervous about their electoral prospects in 2018. Now they are tariffied.
The tariffs on steel could have wide-ranging impacts here in the US. While the move may save some US steel jobs, it could adversely affect companies that produce things with imported steel. We are not experts on this, and don’t want to unfairly tar the president — as he is being fairly tarred — particularly by the left (lib-tarred). So, rather than further damage his reputation by pontificating on steel, we encourage you to read all about it in the steel dossier. Google it.
The tariffs on aluminum will have far reaching consequences on American consumers from coast to coast. Not many people are aware of this, but aluminum is the number one ingredient in aluminum foil. This will cause a significant hat shortage for Trey Gowdy and Devin Nunes supporters.
The tariffs also had a direct impact on the administration itself, with chief economic strategist Gary Cohn announcing he is leaving, by all accounts due to the imposition of tariffs. Oddly, the imposition of anti-Semitism, racism, and sexism didn’t have the same affect, as shown here in TWITPOL’s latest “song.”
So Cohn is out. This is a crushing blow to the administration. Trump calls him a rare talent … this is true. By virtue of having any talent whatsoever, he stood out like a sore dumb. Cohn, it should be noted, was seen as the most rational and in-touch of Trump’s economic advisors. It should also be noted that he said that with their $1,000 savings from tax cuts, American families could renovate their kitchen or buy a new car. (Someone should have told Ben Carson he could have gotten 31 kitchen renovations!) Much as we hate to admit it, he was right about the car (as long as you don’t get it with the bow top and stake or express body).
And the kitchen.
In fairness to Cohn, there truly are some good things to be said about him. Chief among them are these two:
First, his face isn’t as annoying as Stephen Mnuchin’s:
And second, at least he and his wife never did this:
Truth be told, Gary Cohn has become so synonymous with the US economy that he earned the nickname Gary U.S. Bonds.
Ok, we are kidding, There is no way Gary U.S. Bonds would be hired by this administration. He’s black, and someone already took the Housing gig.
Speaking of filled positions, Stormy Daniels is back in the news in a big way. For those who don’t know, Stormy Daniels is an award winning actress — she won the F.A.M.E. “Favorite Breasts” award in 2006, 2007, and 2009 (no, we do not know what the hell happened in 2008) and she won an AVN Best Supporting Actress award in 2004 for her impressive role in Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre. (If you plan to see it, get some tissues. It’s a real jerker.)
In any event, Stormy seems to have gotten, ummm … intimate with Donald Trump’s staff … if you know what we mean. And in a shocking turn of events, the porn star decided she might want to tell the story of the affair she had with the man who ultimately became President of the United States, just months after his youngest son was born (Barron. Not one of the douchey ones).
The president (or his “lawyer”) decided that was probably less than ideal, so they decided to give her the amazing sum of $130,000 for her silence. While that may not seem like much considering the players involved, historians (none of whom, shockingly, were willing to go on record) say that it is the largest sum ever paid out by a president to have his porn star mistress stay silent about their affair. That being said, for a variety of reasons, perhaps millions of them, Daniels seems itching. Oops, we meant to finish that sentence. Here goes: For a variety of reasons, perhaps millions of them, Daniels seems itching to tell her story. The problem is that she signed a very one-sided non-disclosure-agreement (NDA) with Trump’s attorney. So team Trump has an NDA and team Stormy has DNA.
There is even reason to believe she plans to release images she has — including, some are speculating, a pre-presidential dick pic. TWITPOL’s connections are myriad, as such, we have obtained a copy of the dick pic which can be seen here.
We have also obtained a transcript of Trump and Daniels’s first sexual encounter. We cannot confirm that Daniels herself gave us this transcript (though she has given us much over the years … if you know what we mean), as her NDA stipulates that she would have to pay $1 million each time she shares details of their affair. So without discussing the provenance of this transcript, we affirm to you that it is true.
The encounter happened on July 16, 2006 between the hours of 9:10 pm and 9:12 pm. Here’s the transcript of the event:
Mr. Trump put on his favorite song, Uptown Girl by Billy Joel.
♬Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh♬
♬Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh♬
♬She’s been living in her uptown world♬
♬I bet she’s never had a backstreet guy♬
♬I bet her momma never told her why ♬
♬I’m gonna try for an uptown girl♬
♬She’s been living in her white bread world♬
Mr. Trump: “Whew! Oh boy…that was good. Bigly. Hey…you awake?”
Finally, no recap of THIS particular week would be complete without mentioning Sam Nunberg, the former Trump aide who bravely told the world he would defy Mueller’s Grand Jury subpoena until he wisely told the world he would honor Mueller’s Grand Jury subpoena. Nunberg, who was one of 463,217 people fired by Trump during the campaign is the demi-tasse of espresso that accompanies certified fruitcake Roger Stone. Many people believe he had a full-fledged mental breakdown during a 24 hour period this week, and that the networks should not have aired his comments.
That’s absurd. Every single network has mentally unstable, white men rambling incoherently on the air every single day.
And that’s the way the weak spent the week in a nation where a man who can’t handle a bottle of water or out-negotiate a porn star is being dispatched to negotiate denuclearization.
If you enjoy reading TWITPOL please seek help. But please also follow us, “clap” for this story, recommend it, share it, tweet it, and do all sorts of other things that the kids these days do. Follow us on Medium.com and on twitter at @sbouchard67