Donald Trump And The NRA Present “School of Glock”

This Weak in Politics, Vol. 117

February 22, 2018

Well, this is the week that many have been waiting years for — Generation Z has arrived, they are mad as hell and they’re not going to take it anymore. The Baby Boomers are too busy counting their tax breaks (and figuring out how many Costco memberships they can get with them), Generation X is too busy whining about Millennials, and Millennials just suck (yeah, we are Gen x’ers — just like, oh, we don’t know…@oliviamunn and @KatyTurNBC for example). So Generation Z, at least those who have not been shot in their classrooms because of the ineptitude of those of us who came before, have filled the leadership void and are taking over. Thank God.

These “kids,” who are adulting better than any group we have ever seen, are doing what spineless leaders have been unable to do for decades — taking on the NRA and their enablers/co-defendants. These filthy glocksuckers have been holding a proverbial gun to the head of legislators and a literal gun to the head of Americans for so long we have all been cowering in fear. Our leaders work their asses off to get a blood-stained A+ rating from the NRA rather than working their asses off to do that whole “defending against all enemies, foreign and domestic” thing.

TWITPOL has gained an exclusive copy of Senator Marco Rubio’s spinal x-ray.

NRA President Wayne LaPierre (Translated literally: Wayne The Dick) wasted no time in criticizing those who don’t want school kids getting shot, by so eloquently addressing the “politization” of the issue and criticising the “stragedy” of the left.

Last week’s shooting has caused political reverberations that seem as though they might be the agents of change. President Trump this week hinted that he might be open to the idea of banning bump stocks. This now means that the measure has the support of the president, Senate leadership, House leadership and over 90% of Americans. As such, it is likely to get shot down like so many of our fellow Americans. It got so bad, President Trump and the NRA felt the need to pretend they were concerned and interested in doing something. Including, in Trump’s case, “listening” to other people.

Lost in all the discussion of the fact that the president needed a note card to remind himself that he could hear the students during his “listening session,” is the fancy monogrammed shirt given him by the NRA. As you can see below, the left cuff reads “45.”

The right cuff finishes the thought.

As for other measures such as a ban on assault weapons, high capacity magazines, or limits on the amounts of ammunition individuals can purchase, Trump, along with many Republican leaders said that now is not the time for measures that might make us feel good, but are not effective. He then signed a proclamation, ordered flags at half mast and offered thoughts and prayers.

Truth be told, though, Trump does have a point. There truly are no simple solutions that are going to solve this problem. He then said that giving teachers guns would solve the problem instantly. Look at us, joining the fake media. He didn’t say that. He said he wanted to look at the “possibility” of giving “concealed” guns to “gun adept” teachers.

Addressing gun violence by advocating for more guns is reminiscent of two unsuccessful approaches we have taken in our life…helping our diet by throwing cookies in it, and achieving sobriety buy picking up a fifth.

Again, in fairness to President Trump, he did say he wanted to arm the “gun adept” ones, not the ones who weren’t adept — which is a radical departure from the way he chose cabinet members. Additionally, he said he thinks armed teachers should get bonuses (not raises, again) for taking on the added job duty of possibly shooting their students. Yeah, shooting your kids might suck, but think of the extra Costco Memberships you could buy!

Mrs. Hobson, wherever you are, we adored you, but forgive us if we wouldn’t have been terribly comfortable with you handling the mimeograph machine, let alone a 9 millimeter.

For those of you who are wondering, yes, yes we did have a crush on Mrs. Hobson. As we got older, this would have been called hot for teacher. For future generations, there might be an additional change:

Life for our nation’s students has certainly changed from when we were kids. The three Rs are now the four Rs — Reading, ‘Riting, ‘Rithemtic, and ‘Running for your lives as a crazed gunman rampages through your school with the implicit consent of congressional enablers. The last thing our students need is a teacher packing heat while trying to teach the pythagorean theorem (which we are told is a thing). Teachers need to be respected, well-paid, and allowed to do their jobs — which should not include “shooting intruders.”

President Trump seems obsessed with the military, well, except for that time he said he likes “the guys who didn’t get captured, ok?” He respects the military so much he wants a tribute parade. Well, it will be a tribute to him, but the military will be allowed to march. Sure, cynics might point out that experts say his military parade could cost as much as $30 million. And they might further note that analysts say that some 23,000 US service personnel rely on food stamps. They might then point out that for the price of getting Trump’s missile hard with this parade, 19,000 of those military personnel could receive a years worth of food stamps…or, you know, a living wage. But we won’t go there, because we are mature and we like to stay focused.

So while Obama was known for giving frequent shout-outs to students:

Trump wants to be remembered for giving shoot-outs to students:

In other news, the ongoing Russia saga (which passed “-gate” status over a year ago) continued to grow in size and scope. Last week, 13 Russians and an American were indicted for charges of attempting to defraud the United States. This week, Paul Manafort and Rick Gates (Gatesgate?) had another indictment handed down to them. In October, the aforementioned Manafort and Gates (which would have been a great name for a bad 70s duo) received indictments on 12 counts, and Trump foreign policy advisor/unpaid intern/”energy expert” George Papadopolous was also indicted. Those who claim that the comparisons to Watergate are unfounded and inaccurate are correct. The Watergate burglars, for what it’s worth, were indicted on 7 counts, while Manafort and Gates have so far received two indictments on 44 counts.

As such, the president has moved his denial from “there was no meddling” to “there may have been meddling but it was probably Dom Deluise,” (ever notice you have never seen Dom Deluise and Chef Paul Prudhomme in the same room? It’s because they’re both dead and that would be creepy) to “It wasn’t Russia” to “I never said it wasn’t Russia.” To which his supporters say, “See? I love the guy ’cause he tells it like it is.”

Left: Dom Deluise, right: not Dom Deluise.

Trump, as of this writing, still maintains that he never said there was no Russian meddling. In his defense, he didn’t…except for the multiple times he did.

He even dispatched his Communications Deflector, Sarah Huckabee Sanders and deputy Communications Deflector Raj Shah to try to quash stories about the president’s inconsistencies. The ensuing White House press briefing was so full of horse shit that reports say that drunken Philly fans tried to eat it.(You’ll note that we didn’t link to the video this time, as it was disgusting. But if you are truly desperate to see a piece of shit, click here.)

On the subject of Russia, a giant scandal erupted at the Olympics in Pyeonghchang when Russian curling star (it’s a thing. We Googled it.) Alexander Krushelnitsky was found to be doping. Upon learning the news about Krushelnitsky, the president, the vice president, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, and 4 other high ranking US officials denied ever meeting with him. The International Olympic Committee immediately stripped Krushelnitsky (or Jared Krushner as we like to call him) of his bronze medal. To put that in perspective, that means the International Olympic Committee (or PGA) took more decisive and punitive measures against a Russian who won bronze, for cheating while sweeping a dead weight into a circle, than the US president took against Russians who cheated while sweeping a bronze dead weight into the oval.

Some sad news — Billy Graham, the famed and admired evangelical preacher, died this week at the age of 99. Graham, who set the standard for evangelical preachers, was not without critics. He is faulted for two practically unforgivable acts: 1) for being slow to embrace the civil rights movement despite its religious influence, and 2) for spawning Franklin Graham. House Speaker Paul Ryan announced that Graham’s body will lie with honor in the US Capitol later this week. This is a departure for Ryan, as the folks he admires usually lie without honor in the capitol.

And that’s the way the weak spent the week in a nation where if Wayne LaPierre wore a turban or a taqiyah and lived in Yemen, he would be considered the radical leader of an extremist group, but because he wears a cross and lives in Virginia, he gets veto power over all of our nation’s laws. Because freedom.

Wayne LaPierre putting fear and terror into the hearts of Americans

Note: If you are heartsick …or… just sick of kids being shot and killed in schools— in other words, if you are a human being, please join us by helping the following groups: Sandy Hook Promise, Everytown for Gun Safety, and Giffords.

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