How an unarmed Trump can stop a shooter with a machine gun.
What happens AFTER he runs in, unarmed?
As many of us already, unfortunately, know, Donald J. Trump* recently claimed, about the profoundly tragic Parkland massacre:“ I really believe I would have run in there, even if I didn’t have a weapon”.
He did. He really said that. With his mouth. He opened his mouth, a torrent of locusts- all wearing KISS makeup- flew out of it, like a insectile blizzard (but with KISS makeup), and he said that.
*(Trump now prefers to be called by his new rap nickname, DJ Butt-Plug Licka)
BUT, what THEN? AFTER he runs into the school, unarmed,… well, what is his NEXT move?
When Trump, publicly, in front of people and TV cameras, in an EXTREMELY comedic manner, IMAGINES himself springing into action (causing his terrifed staff to shout “Oh, dear lord he can SPRING now! We’re all doomed!”), and running into a school shooting / massacre (which is only happening because machine guns are exactly as hard for insane people to get as Chicken McNuggets are),
WHAT DOES HE DO THEN? UNARMED, against a very disturbed young man who spent almost two weeks allowance on a military grade weapon, and enough ammo to wipe out all past and present members of Santana* and Iron Butterfly**, as well as the entire country of Indonesia?
Well, we’re here to find out! SO — Here’s a list of ways an unarmed Trump can save the day, against a slightly more homicidal maniac than he is, who’s wielding a machine gun, —( which totally would happen… according to the beliefs of Donald Trump, a guy who also believes he invented the question mark (? ©), and The Moon ©, despite very compelling evidence to the contrary).
(*Santana has 67 past and present members. ** Iron Butterfly has 59 past and present members. So, I’m almost positive, at some point in my life, I was a member of Santana, and, Iron Butterfly).
Now, here’s exactly how Trump, that silly, silly, ridiculous, terrifyingly- dangerous, semi-sentient, befuddled to where he’s tested to recognize - a horse…, ADHD-Alzheimer’s cocktail of narcissistic lunacy, stapled to a hair-weave, — overtakes a guy with an AR-15 war weapon.
- Trump tells him about his own 2016 election win in agonizing detail, until the shooter falls asleep, or takes his own life, just to make it stop, as many in Trump’s circle already have. Here’s what that looks like.
- Trump, puts on a sexy female Star Trek uniform, and does the same exact seductive dance Lieutenant Uhura did in Star Trek 5* until the shooter takes his own life.
* (“The Undiscovered Contractual Obligation For Shatner To Direct”)
- Trump gets the shooter in a confined space, and uses his profound and fantastic halitosis, which many have described as “truly inspiring”, to put the shooter into a coma.
- Trump turns himself invisible (using a cloak that he got when he brutally murdered Harry Potter while he slept), and disarms the shooter, once again using his amazingly bad breath.
- Trump starts singing the Mambo #5 song with the words: “I’m committing treason- Cha Cha Cha, -I’m breaking Constitutions- Cha Cha Cha”… until the shooter just gets all caught up in the melody of the song, and kind of forgets what he was mad about.
- Trump grabs a giant box of adorable puppies and kittens to use as “bullet catchers”.
- Ever see the MATRIX? Exactly that.
- Trump hurls flaming barrels at the shooter like Donkey Kong.
- Trump hurls paper towels at the shooter like Puerto Rico.
See. That’s the problem with Trump. He comes up with an insanely goofy child-like (if that child was on massive doses of LSD) ideas. And then he never thinks up the follow through. He has no idea that actions have equal and opposite reactions, like how everything he does, makes everyone sane, vomit.
Written by Steven W. Rouach
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