Mike Pence Sings: “What Would You Do If I Was A Giant Douche, Would You Stand Up And Walk Out On Me?” To Notre Dame Students, To Celebrate Sgt. Pepper’s 50th Anniversary.

And then Notre Dame Students Indeed Walk Out.

“Goodbye Everyone… I Didn’t Start Yet, But You Kids Seem To Be Busy Leaving In Droves, So, Take Care.”

To help celebrate the 50th Anniversary of The Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper, Mike Pence reimagined the lyrics to “A Little Help From My Friends”, and sang his own version, in surprisingly dulcet tones, to a Notra Dame graduating class, who all, (as reported by Pence’s staff), suddenly simultaneously remembered having previous obligations, causing them all to simultaneously leave.

When Pence sang the lyric “Would You Stand Up And Walk Out On Me?”, every student stood up as one, and walked out on him. There were three notable exceptions, all three being handicapped students confined to wheelchairs, who did not stand up, and instead, just rolled away from Pence.

Notre Dame normally invites the current President of the United States to give the commencement at the university during his first year in office, but thousands of students and faculty signed a petition asking Notre Dame president Rev. John Jenkins to not invite Trump, as no one wanted to hear Trump incessantly whine about how he’s treated unfairly because everyone except for Sergey Kislyak hates him.

Organizers, To Pence: “Okay, Take It Off, …You Suck…, This Was Obviously A Really Bad Idea”

Pence’s staff immediately tried to spin the story, to deflect from Mr. Pence’s being obviously and completely unlikable, by releasing this statement:

“The entire Notre Dame graduating class had eaten Chipotle shortly before the graduation ceremony, and had to all run away to be violently sick in every restroom on campus. Their leaving had absolutely no reflection on Mike Pence’s immense likability. As a matter of fact, more people prefer Mike Pence than the Zeka virus, or being stepped on by an elephant, or having their faces scraped off with brillo pads and shards of broken glass, but the liberal media never reports on THAT!!”

However, many students who attended, up until the second they noticed Mike Pence was there, had a vastly different story. Said one graduating student, Amanda Lynn, “They told us the dad from Johnny Quest would be speaking, but once we saw it was actually Mike Pence, we got out of there, moving way faster than our legs could ever carry us. Most of us beat Usain Bolt’s world record by running 100 meters in less than 9.56 seconds, and expect to now be the new world record holders collectively”.

Another student, Constance Noring had this to say: “He’s like an albino, if albinos completetly sucked in every way imaginable. Watching him talk was like being covered in giant spiders that sing show-tunes. I couldn’t flee fast enough.”

“I Swear That I Suck!”

I then interviewed another graduate who fled Pence’s performance, Justin Hale, “I was literally there for one and a half seconds before every cell of my entire being screamed for me to leave. It effected all of us simultaneously, we worried there would be a stampede.”

“Now I’m Playing Invisible Basketball. Are You Guys Sure You Don’t Want To Stick Around For This?”

Happily, Pence’s speech was recorded for posterity, and will now be strategically used wherever a situation arises, where a rapid evacuation of large groups of people is needed. In a test of this, local lawmakers evacuated an entire shopping mall in less than six seconds, by showing Pence’s speech using projectors. In another test, a retirement home was evactuated in 16 seconds, with many elderly carrying their own IV’s in one hand and their shoes in the other.

Alternately, Trump gave his own commencement speech, to the coast guard academy, causing many there to question their life choices. Many in attendance said they WOULD have left, but the academy event organizers shrewdly had the ceremony performed on a boat in shark infested waters, to prevent them all from fleeing.

Here’s a transcript of Trump’s comedic and terrifying speech.

“I’ve accomplished a tremendous amount in a very short time as President,” Donald Trump told the graduating class of the Coast Guard Academy, in Connecticut, “I’ve destroyed the environment, I figured out a way to funnel a trillion dollars to myself and the very richest Americans by launching a torpedo at health care, I’ve committed, like, a thousand acts of treason and ensured our allies will stop bothering us with constant intelligence reports on who’s gonna blow us up. I’ve suffered. I’ve suffered like Ghandi, Jesus and Mandela, whenever they weren’t allowed to play golf. Look at the way I’ve been treated lately,” Trump said, with a shrug. “Especially by the media. No politician in history — and I say this with great surety — has been treated worse or more unfairly, except maybe Hitler, who my staff tells me was actually a really terrific guy and also a close friend of my father, Fred Trump. If you look at the dedication page of Mein Kampf, it says: ‘special thanks to my good friend Fred, I couldn’t have done it without you’. True story”

Trump continued, “You can’t let them get you down. You can’t let the critics and the naysayers get in the way of your dreams, if your dreams include me constantly committing treason, giving away classified information, alienating our allies, making business deals for myself with hostile countries, killing everyone who needs healthcare and putting that money into my bank account, and seeing me really happy. Those are my dreams and I’m sure they’re yours as well…. I guess that’s why we won”.

Written by Steven W. Rouach

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