NRA F*ck Tha Pupils
This Weak in Politics, Vol. 118
March 1, 2018
This is — yet again — another one of those weeks that satire writers fear. Also known as “any week of the last 13 months.” Not to put too fine a point on it, but here is what we looked like at the beginning of the week.
And here is what we looked like by 4pm on Wednesday.
We are having a hard time deciding what to lead with — White House chaos or … White House chaos. So we will go with White House chaos.
All Hope is Lost
Hope Hicks announced this week that she would be resigning from her position as White House Communications Director. This caught observers off guard as she has had a very lengthy career in politics, spanning some 38 months. To put that in perspective, Hicks has been in politics so long that when she started, the iPhone 6 Plus hadn’t even been released yet! She announced her departure just hours after testifying that she has had to tell white lies in the service of the President. There have been rumors that she was literally servicing the president, though that is unfounded. Frankly, we find it far more likely that Sean Puffy Spicer filled that role.
As for the role Hope ‘n Spicy® did have in common, her departure paves the way for Trump’s sixth communications director, whom some speculate might be the “man” who was also his fourth. Some have said that Hicks wasn’t qualified for a job as important as White House Communications Director. This is unfair. She worked in the White House, on the 2016 campaign, and her experience goes all the way back to then Vice President George HW Bush’s campaign for president, during which, Hicks was…conceived.
How messed up is the Trump presidency? Consider these two sentences, which are absolutely true, if perhaps, a little long:
29 year old former model Hope Hicks, Trump’s fifth communications director, and the reported girlfriend of wife-abusing, former White House staff secretary, Rob Porter (who spawned a scandal over security clearances that ultimately led to Trump son-in-law Jared Kushner — whose portfolio included US Mexico relations and Middle East peace — losing his access to top secret information because he can’t pass a background check), and former mistress of former Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski (who was replaced by indicted Ukrainian political operative Paul Manafort) resigned this week after admitting to the House Intelligence Committee investigating whether the Trump campaign colluded with Russian Government operatives in meddling with the US elections that she occasionally had to tell “white lies” while working for the President. Hicks did not clarify if the white lies were in regard to the Trump campaign’s collusion with Russia; the president’s affair with the star of the video “Young & Anal,” for which the president’s lawyer set up a limited lie-ability corporation (LL Cool J) in order to use his own money to pay her for her silence; the president’s affair with Playboy’s December 1997 Playmate of the Month; his firing of James Comey; his attempted firings of Jeff Sessions; or the process by which people unable to get security clearances were still able to see the nation’s most guarded secrets.
The “white lies” comment also exposed racial tensions in the incredibly White House, with Housing and Urban Development “Director” Ben “Johnny” Carson needing to spin a few tales of his own in order to remind his caucasian colleagues that black lies matter. Reports say that Carson ordered custom made dining room furniture for his office, costing over $30,000. Carson defended himself by saying he and his Candy wife were asking God’s guidance, and claiming that no one was more surprised than he was.
*Correction: The previous paragraph included the phrase “he and his Candy wife were asking God’s guidance…” That should have read “he and his wife, Candy, were asking God’s guidance.” She might be a little laffy taffy, but she is not, in fact Laffy Taffy®.
Trump this week also weighed in on guns and school shootings, saying that had he been a man, he would have run into the school. Ok, that’s not exactly what he said. He said, “You know, I really believe — you don’t know until you test it — but I really believe I’d run in there, even if I didn’t have a weapon. And I think most of the people in this room would have done that, too, because I know most of you. But the way they performed was really a disgrace.”
In other words, the man afraid to testify under oath, and afraid to expose his IRS-1040, testifies he wouldn’t be afraid to be exposed to an AR-15.
We believe him, as the man does not frighten easily.
NRA members and NRA supporters (loosely defined here) were quick to point out that more people like Trump, with guns, are the answer to the problem. To which many liberal gun control advocates mockingly said, “yeah, well if you love your gun so much why don’t you marry it?”
Unfortunately, some took that literally. (We swear this whole “take it seriously not literally, or take it literally not seriously” thing is going to get us all killed.)
To the surprise of everyone, Trump went off-script on-camera and voiced support for some pretty aggressive gun control measures, ranging from banning bump stocks, to raising the age-limit to purchase semi-automatic weapons from 18 years of age to 21. Many conservatives think this reasonable move will alienate the president’s base (what with the whole “reasonable” thing). They feel the president may well have shot himself in the foot. Upon hearing this, the NRA proposed a gun in every shoe, with Executive Dictator Wayne LaPierre saying, “someone needs to protect those poor, innocent soles.”
The NRA has remained firm in its commitment to shoot things despite public backlash and consumer pressure. Numerous companies have ended their discount programs for NRA members, citing solidarity with the victims of the shooting in Parkland, FL, or simply as a result of threats of boycotts. Delta Airlines, for example, severed its ties with the NRA, despite the threat of losing millions of dollars in tax breaks for doing so.
In their defense, the NRA is NOT an extremist group. They are a patriotic group who loves their country so much they are stockpiling arms in case they need to shoot it.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, III, the beleaguered and be-elfed (which we have decided is pronounced “be-elf-id” as opposed to “be-elft”) Attorney General this week responded to the criticism leveled against him by President Trump by saying he would continue to “discharge my duties with honor and integrity.” This is funny not just because Sessions has never done anything with honor and integrity, but more importantly, because he said “discharge my duties.”
Now, we aren’t shamelessly looking for advertisers, but it sure seems like Beauregard could use Squatty Potty®
Moving from the outhouse back to the White House, the White House calligrapher, due to the aforementioned crackdown on staffers without security clearances, now officially has a higher security clearance than the man tasked with establishing Middle East peace. Or as the White House calligrapher put it in a statement:
On the subject of despicable cretins and the White House, former Milwaukee County Sheriff David Clarke, has received attention and scorn for suggesting that the Marjory Stoneman Douglas students who have become gun control advocates are doing so at the behest of George Soros (whose last name, we just noticed, is a palindrome! Wow, ma’am, Wow!). Clarke, who is currently getting divorced and on a speaking tour (which raises two questions: who the hell would’ve married this guy? and who the hell wants to hear him speak?), is also the spokesman for a Pro-Trump Super Pac. He had twice previously been considered for a job in the White House, but President Trump backed out on both occasions upon seeing Clarke in person, as shown in this footage, courtesy of C-Span.
That segues quite nicely into a little news from the campaign trail. The midterm elections are now just 9 months away. We figured now is as good a time as any to introduce some candidates in a section we call: Control of Congress — The Racists to Watch.
2018: THE RACISTS TO WATCH
- Republican Nazi Arthur Jones, Illinois’s 3rd Congressional District. Don’t worry, we understand fully the concept of never comparing anyone to a Nazi — as such we won’t compare anyone to this Illinois Republican. (Note: This one poses a question: Is the proper nomenclature “Republican Nazi,” or “Nazi Republican?”)
- KKK Supporter, Anti-Semitic Republican Paul Nehlen, Wisconsin’s 1st Congressional District (and if this guy wins, likely it’s last). How extreme is Republican Paul Nehlen? He is permanently banned from Twitter. Think of some of the stupid, hateful shit you read on Twitter every single day…this guy can’t use THAT platform.
- Pardoned felon Joe Aroaio, US Senate, Arizona. Arpaio, who was convicted for defying a court order to stop racial profiling, this week says he can read Trump’s mind and Trump can read his. Scary as that sounds, it might be the first time Trump has ever been accused of reading.
And while arguably not racist, another Fox “News” wonder has entered the political fray. “Clueless” actress and clueless Fox commentator, Stacey Dash, hopes to become clueless Republican congresswoman, a position already held by Louise Gohmert.
And that’s the way the weak spent the week in a nation where we can ban fertilizer after fertilizer bombings, shoes after shoe bombings, water bottles after whatever the hell it is terrorists were thinking of doing with water bottles, but banning teenagers from buying military style, semi-automatic weapons after a teenager shot and killed 17 people with a military style, semi-automatic weapon he bought, is akin to spitting directly into mom’s apple pie while kneeling during the national anthem.
If you enjoy reading TWITPOL please seek help. But please also follow us, “clap” for this story, recommend it, share it, tweet it, and do all sorts of other things that the kids these days do. Follow us on Medium.com and on twitter at @sbouchard67