Terror at the White House: Children Wear Costumes Designed to Scare Trump Administration Officials
In an unexpected departure from her anti-egg-hunt stance, First Lady Melania Trump announced on Monday her intention “to look pretty” at a Halloween party for local children.
Even more unexpected than her announcement, though, was the bipartisan reaction of liberals and conservatives, who were all surprised Mrs. Trump had taken any stances since walking away from the runway.
Still, key constituencies in both parties remained divided: while the religious right welcomed the news as further proof of her husband’s strong commitment to paganism, the largely liberal and painstakingly helicopter moms of the invited children were horrified to learn how little time Mrs. Trump had given them to design outfits that would “send a message” to the Administration — and to those uppity moms new to PTA.
Thankfully for these women, the economy their husbands created is suspiciously quick to satisfy their needs: within minutes of posting urgent Craigslist pleas, many moms had to “literally call security on” the college-educated masses desperate for “the resume-building opportunity of designing a statement piece for [their] woke five-year-old.”
Earlier this afternoon, descriptions of these costumes were leaked to the Washington Post-Apocalypse, which here publishes them anonymously with a view to protecting likely sources from ever risking the alienation of near-acquaintance Ivanka Trump.
(Editor’s note: headings indicate the member of the Trump Administration most likely to be scared by the costume. Concepts will hopefully become clear as the costumes are described.)
…Leave your painful sweatshop pumps at home and get yourself into a pair of sustainably sourced black Converse. Wear your un-idealized pussy hat with pride, but then go ahead and let your hair down. Brandish a copy of Simon de Beauvoir while chanting Gloria Steinham like a feminist exorcist come to remove the patriarchal demon from her Barbie doll body.
JEFFERSON “JEFF” SESSIONS
…If you’re black, just be you. If you’re not, or if you are but want to instill extra fear, bring a toy that looks like a bong (he won’t know the difference) and then use it to blow colored powder you’ll assure him is addictive, potent, and known on playgrounds as Pixy Stix.
…Slip into a pencil skirt and then snap a pencil. Put a look on your face that shows you don’t take shit from twelve-year-olds who try to sound like adults and certainly won’t take any from an adult who sounds like a twelve-year-old. Find a pension and cling to it like it’s the last salmon on earth and you’re a more than potential grizzly.
…Acquire a Brooklyn accent, an oversized suit jacket, and tufts of unkempt white hair. Show the President your speaking schedule for the past ten months, aerial shots of the crowds you drew, and your favorability numbers. Over a bowl of Ben & Jerry’s filled with no less than three scoops of Stephen Colbert’s American Dream, tell him you’re running for president in 2020.