The French Don’t Give A F**K About Trump — But They Love A Good “Covfefe”

Across Paris, all believe the president just admitted he’s a raving sex maniac

Reporting From Paris, France, 5/31/17: President Trump is of no importance to the French.

Unlike the British, they don’t talk about him, they don’t debate his clumsy actions, and they don’t care much if he stays or if he goes.

But after the American president’s bizarre tweet after midnight on Wednesday, in which the impulsive leader of the free world wrote, “Despite the constant negative press covfefe…” the cafes in Paris were abuzz with well-reasoned theories and strong opinions about the latest missive from the “L’imbecile Americain.”

Paul Dubois, a photo gallery owner in St-Germain Des Pres, and his girlfriend, Camille Du Bellay, a graphic artist, held court at the Cafe Des Musees in the Marais section, joined by a chorus of surrounding voices intended to educate an American about the meaning of “covfefe.”

“If your president was a Frenchman he would be considered a boorish ‘draguer,’ an unsophisticated lout,” said Dubois, speaking French and gesturing with intensity, as only the Parisians can. “He was clearly bemoaning the negative attention he is getting for being a pussy grabber, also known as a ‘covfefe.’”

“I agree with Paul,” said the young and expressive Madame Du Bellay. “Covfefe communicates the frustration a man feels when he can’t get an adequate sexual release due to media attention.”

“COVFEFE IS THE GERMAN WORD FOR ERECTION!” shouted one older diner with a grey beret and the spectacles of an erudite man. “By constant covfefe, he is saying he has a constant hard-on, no doubt because he uses a boner pill.”

“Oh mon dieu, s’il vous plait,” said Ms. Du Bellay, “have you seen those statues of the ‘l’accident orange’? That is not a penis that can tender a boner. Even with the aid of medication.”

The waiter chimed in, “I believe covfefe is a Slovenian word, that he hears repeatedly from his wife. Covfefe is a term that means ‘slap the hand that reaches for yours.’”

The manager of the Cafe Des Musees, Jacques Traveux, was more philosophical. “The man can’t read, can’t write, can’t spell in the daytime, much less in the middle of the night. It’s obvious he was talking about a coffee press, and misspelled the word ‘coffee.’ Let the moron be.”

In the end, Monsieur Dubois had the last word. “Merde. Who gives a shit? The American here wants to know what we think about Trump? Here’s what we French say: ‘There is wine to drink, good food to eat, and the pleasures of sex to discuss…better yet, sex to have. Trump can go fuck himself!”

“Sante!” shouted all the guests together, raising their glasses, as this reporter toasted in agreement with a fine sancerre.

And just like that “covfefe” died on the sidewalks of France as quickly as Donald Trump introduced it into his personal annals of asinine online pronouncements.


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