The NRA’s Moral Corruption Has Nowhere to Go Except to Steal Words

So I was just creeping around twitter one day when I saw a white supremacist refer to himself as “woke American” and I realized, wait a minute, why should we let these people — the civil rights activists and the Michelle Obamas and the Emma Gonzalezs — have all the inspiring words? Even though my job is to champion an inanimate object designed for the sole purpose of taking human life, I want to inspire folks too!

God Bless!

So I went to CPAC and stole the words of Emma Gonzalez.

You see what she did? Emma’s cry “we call BS” was instantly iconic, a heartrending howl that at once captured the grief of Parkland students and their resolve to call out NRA corruption. ICYMI, the NRA gave Donald Trump $30m (maybe more?) and gave Republican candidates $54m and there’s no chance of gun reform legislation even though the US has almost six times the gun homicide rate of Canada and nearly 16 times that of Germany #MAGA!

Anyhoo the point is I stole Emma’s words. Here I am doing that at CPAC. I’m also channeling Kayla Moore and her creepy wave-to-the-evil-media-in-the-back-of-the-room-and-bend-down-at-odd-intervals delivery.

I don’t want to brag about my Stepford-wife-from-Hades performance but I think I nailed it. I even got in a “What about Chicago” reference, because that’s a thing shitheads do to pretend we care about black people.

All the data indicates that more guns leads to more homicide, by the way. Luckily, the CDC isn’t allowed to study that connection, thanks to a handy amendment the NRA championed.

But I digress. I was talking about stealing the words of women whose shoes I’m not fit to shine, and it worked out so well at CPAC that I decided to do it again. Here’s me, pretending that using Michelle Obama’s famous directive to take the high road isn’t as repulsive as making fun of mass shooting survivors.

Now I realize that when Michelle Obama spoke those words at a Hillary Clinton rally, the “they” she was referring to was Donald Trump, the Patron Saint of Low Roads, who the NRA bought for $30m (maybe more?). But the thing is, if I steal Michelle’s nifty slogan, it might deflect from the fact that too many Americans are getting murdered thanks to NRA advocacy. Is that so wrong?

Oh wait. I also stole the #TimesUp slogan and rendered it completely meaningless by ranting about evil media and Hollywood phonies and NFL athletes who take the knee.

After all my verbal pillage, I’m happy to announce that stealing slogans is official NRA policy now. On the list of hideous things we do, it comes in at 278. Honestly after buying politicians and advocating against gun reform which enables more people to get murdered, there wasn’t much room left for us to express the black and rotten abyss of our souls.

So kids, if you want to steal the words of good people to further your pathological agendas, just follow my crooked, mercenary lead without shame or irony or even the inconvenient pretension of having a conscience. And don’t forget to always end your sentences with God Bless!

God Bless!