The Worst Wing — The Tragic First Season (With Apologies to Aaron Sorkin. And America.)
This Weak in Politics, Vol. LXXXIII
July 6, 2017
This week we start with good news and bad news. The good news is that this week America celebrated the 4th of July — a fitting tribute to our glorious 240-year experiment in democracy. The bad news is this is our 241st year.
Oh well, it was a good run. Someone pass the bottle rockets and hot dogs.
President Trump celebrated the holiday as he usually does: by golfing, attacking the media and re-tweeting something he saw on Reddit. Last year, as a candidate, he sent out a tweet that some called anti-Semitic, featuring “crooked” Hillary Clinton and a Star of David, or “sheriff’s badge” as Trump called it, on a backdrop of money. (Covered brilliantly here.)
This year President Trump retweeted a doctored video of himself in a WWE sketch, with a CNN logo superimposed over the face of Vince McMahon, whom Trump was beating up at the time.
Let’s put that in perspective. The President of the United States, in showing his distaste for a major news network, tweeted out a doctored video of the president himself literally beating up a network logo superimposed over the face of the husband of his (the president’s) Administrator of the Small Business Administration. (We regret to inform you that there is no joke or error in that last sentence.)
While that is embarrassing to those of you who can…you know feel things like embarrassment, the good news is that while Trump was tweeting out wrestling videos and playing golf for the 36th time in his 23 weeks as president, there was nothing going on in the world. Well, nothing other than the health care coverage of millions of Americans remaining in limbo, an armed gunman opening fire in a NY Hospital (don’t worry, he was neither Muslim nor a Bernie supporter, so nothing could be done about it anyway), two major states (Illinois and New Jersey) facing crippling and monumental budget crises and North Korea launching a TCBY.
We apologize. It was not a TCBY. Had they launched a TCBY, that would have been a good thing. We regret to inform you they did not, in fact, launch a new frozen yogurt shop. They launched an ICBM, or Inter something something Missile.
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In fairness to Trump, U.S. problems with North Korea — whether yogurt based or missile based — are best dealt with by the U.S. Ambassador to our ally on the peninsula, South Korea. And seeing as Trump has not nominated anyone for that post, tweeting fantasy wrestling videos of himself assaulting the press was probably the right call.
And remember, Trump “watches the shows” and “knows more than the generals,” so in isolation he gets the advice of his best advisor in the West Wing (or the 4th hole at Bedminster), himself.
Besides, if the situation with North Korea gets any more tense, he can have Jared Kushner fix it (right after he reorganizes the government and establishes peace in the Middle East).
The launching of the Intercontinental Ballistic Missile (see, @KatyTurNBC, we knew all along what that acronym stood for!) that could theoretically reach numerous possible targets including allies of the U.Ss, territories of the U.S. and even the “state” of Alaska, putting millions of people in harm’s way was particularly bad news here, as it apparently interrupted Nikki Haley’s cookout.
The responses to the launch were predictable, and frankly, very male, with the leaders of South Korea, North Korea and the United States each showing off how big their missiles are, and even going so far as to include video-game footage of shit blowing up. GenderAvenger, please expand your portfolio!
Trump did return from his golfing trip to honor America’s troops at an event in Washington. He “saluted” the troops by hanging out with a preacher who once said President Obama was “paving the way for the Anti-Christ” (holy shit, in retrospect, he may have been right!) and by attacking the media, saying, “I’m president. They’re not,” adding “nah nah nah boo boo” at the end.
To further prove he is president, Trump got downright Lincolnesque. His continued attacks on Mika Brzz…Brezs…Morning Joe’s only watchable personality at an event honoring our troops were eerily reminiscent of the time during his Gettysburg address that Abraham Lincoln called the wife of the editor of the Fort Sumter Gazette “a pig-nosed-whore.” (pronounced hoo-er by Lincoln.) Days later, Lincoln was still telegraphing about it: “She is covering for husband’s fake newspaper. STOP. Very sad. STOP.”
The salute to veterans created an interesting contrast of competing events held at Washington’s John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts on Monday: in one of the center’s venues was the musical “Hedwig and The Angry Inch,” while Trump’s “Salute to Veterans” was held in another. As such, on the same night, in the same complex, there was a performance by a wild-haired, small-penised performer with an often overlooked and neglected Eastern-European wife, while down the hall “Hedwig and The Angry Inch” was being performed.
Following the performance Trump returned to one of his golf courses. Sounds hypocritical in light of his attacks on his predecessor, but at least he isn’t black.
In state news, Chris Christie, never one to be one-upped in the “do as I say, not as I do” category (hypocritic oaf?), vacationed at one of New Jersey’s state run beaches during a period that the beach was closed, in part because New Jersey’s governor, Chris Christie was unable to forge consensus on a state budget. (Wait, does this mean Christie is paving the way for the anti-Christie?). You are probably thinking we are going to join the popular craze of inserting a photoshopped Christie-On-The-Beach picture here, but we won’t. We at TWITPOL have never included anything popular in our work and we aren’t about to start now.
We will close this holiday-abbreviated issue on a topic related to things washed up on beaches or lost at sea, or whatever awkward and inappropriate segue you wish to use: Amelia Earhart returned to the news this week.
Historians have unearthed a photo that appears to show the famed aviator and her navigator alive on a dock in 1937, after their plane went down. The incident was made famous by radio station KCNN who has been airing a special report “The Mystery of Earhart’s Electra/MH370?” non-stop since July 3, 1937.
If the Earhart mystery is solved, this will leave just three additional high-profile missing person cases in the United States: DB Cooper, Jimmy Hoffa and Sean Spicer.
And that’s how the weak spent the week — a week in which we learned our nation leads the world in obesity, AND, a week in which a man won a coveted title in the United States by eating 70 hot dogs in 12 minutes.
God Bless America.
(On a personal note, this issue is dedicated to the aptly named Betty Jolly. Betty brings joy and laughter and irreverence to the world of politics and to the world at large in ways few can. We love you, Betty.)
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