Trump gets TOUGH on Russia!
Really, really, tough.
Donald Trump, was exhausted by sending 1,237 tweets covering the entire spectrum of charted and uncharted lunacy. (He did this on the holiday formerly known as “President’s Day”, now known as “Terrifying Maniac Experiments With LSD And Tweets All Day Day”).
So, how did this happen you ask? (Via the voices in my head I just assume are you).
According to various reports, the heavy animal sedative darts the White House staff would pepper Trump with “in times of extreme fussiness that threatens national security” are no longer working.
I spoke to one high ranking, terrified, senior White House official, who asked not to be named, so I belligerently named him Heywood U. Kmittreason II, who had this to say:
“I was in the military… the tranquilizer darts we pepper him with can take out every herd of rhinoceros simultaneously. These things put elephants and King Kongs to sleep! There’s no WAY he should be even able to survive a thousandth of the dosage we shoot him with… he’s like the Hulk, but way more grouchy and vindictive. All those tranquilizer darts flying at him in all directions, and he looks at us and asks if there’s a breeze in here! He doesn’t even know it’s happening! It’s getting to the point where we can’t stop him, we can’t calm him down, and I’m starting to fear for us all. I’ve never felt fear before. I don’t like it. But, now I’m convinced we’ll all soon be dead directly by that maniac’s hand, and I’m actually starting to come to terms with it.”
Inspiring words, indeed.
Trump spent the day recovering, by screaming at the TV, and yelling at his staff.
By relentlessly tweeting various comedic remarks reminiscent of the Arkham Asylum Newsletter, Trump did manage to cover a wide range of pressing topics*, which we’ll get into shortly. Needless to say, if Tourette’s syndrome and Twitter were ever to co-sponsor an event featuring ADHD and Alzheimer’s over the sound of barking dogs, Trump’s latest round of tweets would be the end result.
*And if you’re reading this because your spaceship crash landed on Earth, and you’re passing the time until you can get it fixed, let me assure you it can best be described as “not presidential, nor sane, or rational, according to typical Earth based actions and customs”. If there’s a powerful hallucinogenic drug on your home planet, imagine the most powerful person there taking ALL of it, the entire planet’s supply, all at once, and then mumbling out loud to your planet in real-time over a megaphone. That’s what’s going on here. It’s really not usually like this. I swear.
So, Trump, as a person currently holding the highest office in *America (*are we still calling it that?) gave THE ENTIRE WORLD:
- his innermost, deepest thoughts on Oprah.
- And… oh, like 100 varying FBI based tweets, which will one day be referred to as: “admissible evidence”, all denying the Trump campaign had anything to do with Russia, and that — it was somehow proven that he’s innocent, of all known things… — due to: “…reasons”!
- He also went on a rant about H.R. McMaster, saying he was upset that H.R. McMaster didn’t go on a rant himself about some of the things Trump was ranting about.
- He ended with: “something Dems”, “what about Hillary”, “Obama something”. (This is always his “closer”,… his “Freebird”).
Funny thing in all that was — Trump forgot one thing… He forgot to get TOUGH on Russia. Here’s what that would look like.
So, Trump claims that by Obama sanctioning Russia, and telling Putin to “cut it out, man!”, that Obama wasn’t tough on Russia.
Trump, in contrast, took up these ingenious methods of getting tough with Russia.
- Immediately tried to reverse all of Obama’s Russia sanctions.
- Refuses to impose the new Russia sanctions passed by congress in a bipartisan bill passed last year, and says they are not necessary because the measure is already “serving as a deterrent.” (Tee hee).
- Said, that he ASKED Putin if he interfered with the election and Putin said ‘no’, and THAT HE BELIEVED HIM. Vladimir Putin. That’s who Trump believed over 17 combined USA intelligence agencies, and three or four allied countries’ intelligence agencies.
-Isn’t that something?
- Claimed the “Russia thing is a hoax”. Then claimed he never said it was a hoax, then reminded us how he thought it was one overweight man from New Jersey, then said it was a hoax, and a witch hunt, then said he never said that, then yelled at McMaster again, then fell asleep as he was yelling.
So, how does Trump top all that?
With this note, delivered to Moscow.
“Mr. Putin. You look amazing! Did you lose weight? So, everyone keeps insisting you interfered with America’s (are we still calling it that?) election, even though I keep telling everyone, across the globe, that you said you didn’t and that I totally, totally, believe you, 100%!
Now, I’d write this letter myself, but my writing looks like a Rorschach test for lizards, and can’t be deciphered by people from Earth, so it’s being written for me, possibly by demons. Definitely by guys who punch their wives at the very least. And even though you had nothing to do with anything anyone claims you ever did, I demand that Russia does not interfere in US elections, starting 2022. So you have until 2022 to stop. That’s when I want you to stop. After that year. Also, we’re planning a military parade here, in my honor, and I’m thinking I should have them build a gold statue of us, holding hands. Your thoughts?” — DJ Trump.
Written by Steven W. Rouach
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