Truth In Satire

Trump Calls Marine Nude Photo Scandal “My Number One Priority”

“It is my duty as commander in chief to review all the evidence in this case to ensure that justice is served”

The president stepping off Marine One and hurrying back to the White House to begin his hands-on investigation into the nude-photo scandal.

Saying that he had lots of experience with the sexual exploitation of women before becoming president, Donald Trump is insisting on a larger role in the investigation of the unfolding Marine nude photo scandal.

The photo above is part of a body of evidence President Trump will be reviewing as he dives into the nude-photo investigation — in between his demeaning tweets about women.

“It is disgraceful that the Marines United group would share compromising photos of female Marines on Facebook, accompanied by sexually degrading comments, and not alert their commander in chief,” said President Trump.

“These women are victims now and it is my duty to console them and give them the emotional and physical support they need during this traumatic time,” he continued. “That is one of the most important responsibilities of the commander in chief, to let our female Marines know that their president is on top of them…I mean, on top of this heinous conduct.”

One of the female Marine veterans (right) whose photos were posted online without her consent. With her is an older woman who had an office with a lot of important looking legal volumes in it. (Photo: Nick Ut/AP)

Last week, a Defense Department inquiry revealed that a secret Facebook page operated by the Marines United group of active, inactive, and veteran service members posted thousands of nude photographs of several dozen female Marines — photos taken and posted without their knowledge or consent.

The president called the group’s act, “toxic masculinity at its worst,” a sentiment echoed by his nearly all-male cabinet and inner circle of male advisers, who will also be involved in the investigation.

Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Robert Neller during a press conference regarding the nude photo scandal. Subsequently, the White House announced that they are opening a second investigation into why his face looks the way it does.

Defense Secretary James “Mad Dog” Mattis, another older male, condemned the Marines’ conduct, saying it was “unacceptable and counter to unit cohesion.”

The president, however, challenged Mattis’ comments saying that he, and only he as commander in chief, could decide “exactly what is acceptable and how many nude photos can be posted before it is considered absolutely and totally unacceptable.”

In a statement, The White House said that Mr. Trump would begin meeting with female Marines to offer presidential comfort, “as soon as the First Lady returns to New York from her weekend in Washington.”

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