Trump’s Latest Approval Ratings & Buyer’s Remorse For Former Trump Supporters
By Steven W. Rouach
Many news outlets such as the Washington Post and NY Times are now stating that Donald Trump has a 36% approval rating. Many feel this is a vastly inflated number. There have been comments such as “Balderdash!! -That’s way too high!!” as well as “Egads!!” (According to various sources, such as the voices in my head).
Now a team of mathematical scientists led by me, after thorough research, have discovered his approval rating is actually .006%. This is the exact number of the 400 richest families in the entire US, when combined with Gene Huber, famed creator of Cardboard Based Autoerotic Asphyxiation, who also still approves of Trump, (Huber being the only non-billionaire in this group).
So, I thought it might be fun to interview some former Trump supporters. This is just but one example of the kinds of innovative journatistic ideas and concepts, combined with the diligent pursuit of a story, that makes me commonly be referred to as “the Edward R. Murrow of my generation”.
I talked to a former Trump supporter, Mr. Jennis Von Species:
“He said he would bring me my job back, but then the other day Trump snuck onto my property and bit my wife and then my dog! Sad! He also cut some social services we really needed to survive, in order to build a giant wall so he can put posters of himself on it. He really said that. He said the only reason he’s building that border wall is so that he can put posters of himself on every inch of it and execute anyone who tries to draw a mustache on one. Then he said “Bwa ha ha ha” and “I’m gonna cut all your social services and soon make your health care way way worse”. Then he bit my wife again and left, but by that time she was already shooing him out with a mop”
I spoke with another former Trump supporter, Mr. Wayne Ooompa-Loompa, a worker in a chocolate factory who had this to say:
“There was just something about Trump that seemed really familiar,… I’m not sure what,… but I felt like I could really trust him. He seemed so tall. But now he’s like a vicious combination of Whangdoodles, Hornswogglers and Snozzwangers. He cut regulations to the factory and my dear personal friend Harry Ooompa-Loompa got melted! And he also cut benefits to Harry’s widowed wife Myrtoula Ooompa-Loompa, AND made it so the factory isn’t held responsible for Harry’s death, even though the crazy man in the top-hat that we work for- pretty much just pushed Harry into a vat of fudge and murdered him… Trump is like… a Vermicious Knid!!”
Mr. Oompa-Loompa then said this in song, whilst doing a very fun dance:
“All my… factory… friend-ily friends… voted for Trump and must make amends… He will lead us… to certain doom… sorry we voted like lumpadydoos”
He then repeated “Lumpadydoos”, in a grave voice before disappearing back into the chocolate factory where he works.
I spoke to another former Trump supporter Swizzy “Two Fists” Myas, who had this to say: “Listen here you! That Trump guy swindled us and we had a deal, see? He said he was gonna leave a cut of the loot for me and Rocky and the boys and their dear mothers, but he’s trying to scam us with his billionaire friends and then go on the lamb from the fuzz. See? So Listen you! He’s like a square at the fair! A real bad tomato! A shifty cat with a bat! See? It’s all a sham, a swizzle, a hot Burt, a heist, but the coppers are all looking the other way. See?”
He then menacingly pulled a gun out of his jacket and said:
“Now I’m gonna try to intimidate you for protection money see? But I’ll expect you to cleverly extract yourself from the situation and give me the slip, because you look like a sharp knife. See? A bright bulb, a slippery Sam, a Johnny on the spot, a real Houdini,…”
I then flew to Colorado because I hear the shops they have there are FUN! Also, to interview Mrs. Gladys Gonne-Rhea, (a homemaker whose hobbies are voting republican, and crocheting decorative swastikas onto throw pillows and infant onesies, which she then sells on Etsy.)
She had this to say: “I don’t like other races and Trump promised to burn them from the earth, but he still hasn’t done it. All he did was remove regulations from the factories dumping toxins into a water supply that effects four entire states, mine included.”
I then travelled to Mount Horeb, where I talked to the Burning Bush that GOD regulary speaks from, to get a theological perspective on Trump’s numbers. Here’s a transcript of that encounter, which will soon be reprinted in “The Bible - Book 3”:
G-d: “Hey Steve”
Me: “What’s cookin’? Get it? Because it’s a burning bush?”
G-d: Stop…Just.. stop… I wonder sometimes why I made you this way, you must really annoy people.”
Me: “I AM still single, hint hint, but what’s your views about the Trump thing?”
G-d: “You know, I go away for one month in November and then THIS happens? What’s wrong with you people?”
Me: “I blame gluten. Those who eat it go mad, and those who don’t… also go mad.”
G-d: “Good point. So I was away and do you know what I was doing?”
Me: “Deity dance-off between you and Buddha?”
G-d “Funny but also idiotic. All those names all mean me, as you well know. No, I was busy creating Earth 2.0. I spent an entire month creating it, to avoid all the nonsense Earth 1.0 had.”
Me: “You mean has…”
G-d: “Um,… sure, whatever. I‘m the creator of the entire universe and you’re a guy who writes Mitch McConnell egg-neck-sack jokes, so you’re probably right,… read between the lines genius. Assume I meant had.”
Me: “Point taken. So… how long till we go from ‘has’ to ‘had’? I really just got into VR gaming and it’s SO awesome…I’m kind of hoping for a few last good months of…”
G-d: (Interrupting) “Do you know Earth 2.0 went from discovering fire to fully functional space program in 6 weeks? They were all working together and have already accomplished more than you guys have in most of your entire existence. Think about it, when are you going to have your next Beatles, Rolling Stones, David Bowie, or Muhammad Ali? Short answer, never. Long answer, also never.”
The Burning Bush then took a moment before continuing.
G-d: “Sorry I was reading one of your new leader Trump’s tweets. He claims to be a ‘Helicopter again’ and that he’s ‘getting really dizzy’. He somehow blames Obama….What does that even mean?”
Me: “Smarter humans than I have pondered that very thing, my lord, mostly in terror”
G-d: Do you know why all the really cool celebrities died in 2016? David Bowie, the human formerly known as Prince, Gene Wilder, Garry Shandling, Alan Thicke, Dan Haggerty, Glen Frey, Pat Harrington, Bernard Fox, Doris Roberts, Florence Henderson, William Schallert, Ron Glass, George Michael, Robert Vaughn, Abe Vigoda, Sir George Martin, Kimbo Slice, Kevin Meaney, Leonard Cohen, William Christopher, Carrie Fischer, Debbie Reynolds, and Muhammad Ali… Do you know why they all died at the same time?”
Me: “I heard they were all undercover MI6 Agents who were all recalled to the UK, and that their deaths were all faked.”
G-d “No that’s just a rumor started by Chris Steele. They all died because I needed to use them for parts for Earth 2.0’s population. There’s a rock band there that’s 5 times better than the Beatles and there will be a band 5 times better than THAT in 3 years.”
(The burning bush then sighed, before continuing).
“Do you know how they worship me on Earth 2.0? By not MURDERING each other and then saying I did it. That’s how. They all elect one leader for all of Earth 2.0 and their number of votes actually decides who leads. They’re not self-destructive lunatics who are hell bent on destroying the planet that they happen to LIVE on… or spend all their time creating new and interesting forms of non-empathy. So, so long suckers! I’m out. You folks are on your own.”
The burning bush then produced an arm made of burning branches and defiantly dropped a microphone onto the ground.
Written by known theologian and inventor of the pillowcase,
Steven W. Rouach
FUN FACT : Every time you hit the little “recommend” heart on the bottom of the page of one of my stories, an angel gets its wings, instead of plummeting to a horrifying death due to winglessness.