Valentine’s Day (VD) Wishes From POTUS and Other News of The Week

This Weak in Politics, Vol. 116

February 15, 2018

This week’s issue is again written with a heavy heart. More on that at the end of this piece. As we have said each time there has been a tragedy in a given week, we have made the decision to publish anyway — not to disrespect those who suffered and are suffering — but to not let terror dictate our lives.

Now just one more note before the news — Last week we got a little carried away and made ill-advised comparisons between john Kelly being shocked at finding deplorables on the White House payroll and people discovering corn in their poop. That was wrong, and immature, and we will never bring it up again. Instead we will simply pause here for word from our sponsor and then will resume with our coverage of the news.

For a look at our serial cereal series, seriously, see here. Really.

We are not going to spend a great deal of time discussing the horrific shooting in Florida this week, though we will note that the shooter’s named ended in the letter z. As such, Donald Trump and Beauregard Sessions are actively investigating whether he had been Mexicanized at some point.

By now, we are sure you have read lots about politicians who offer thoughts and prayers in light of this week’s school shooting (and probably last week’s too). We have no doubt that, for many of them, they really are engaged in thoughts and prayers: Thinking about the NRA’s support, and praying nothing comes up that will jeopardize it. We don’t want to name names — except for one little (or liddle) politician — Florida Senator Marco Rubio (AR-15).

Looks like he could use some water. Or wooder. That will make more sense in a few seconds.

Prior to the shooting, the big news of the week was the ongoing scandal of the White House porter. Ha. Just kidding. The White House porter passed his security clearance. We meant the White House’s Staff Secretary, Rob Porter, and the ongoing and ever-changing story of how this man who has been credibly accused of domestic assault by both of his ex-wives and one of his ex-girlfriends. Lying chief of staph John Kelly, he of the corn poops, defended his handling of the security clearance issue. The whole thing raises two major questions: First, how and why did a job requiring the highest security clearance go to a guy who couldn’t get a high security clearance? Second, what should we call it? Portergate? Sounds too much like Watergate to people in Philadelphia. (This isn’t a retaliatory crack at Philadelphia because of their Super Bowl win. Philly folks are very classy after all.) Clearancegate? Would too easily get confused with the late blues legend Clearance Gatemouth Brown.

Gatemouth Brown, 1989

If you think this entire section was a setup to use a picture of us with Clearance Gatemouth Brown, my God you ARE a regular reader!

But really, we just didn’t want you confusing him with Gatemouth Moore.

Gatemouth Moore, 1949

Where were we? Oh yes, what to name the latest administration scandal. How about “Wednesday?” The real name would be too long anyway.


The story has stayed fresh in the news for over a week now in large part because the administration keeps providing shifting answers on who knew what and when. Spokes “person” Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who last week had someone else do the lying for her, this week decided she would retake the podium and set the record straight, particularly on John Kelly’s involvement in the Porter security clearance issue. So here she is, giving a clear, forceful and direct answer to questions about the White House’s handling of Rob Porter.

The Porter situation did have the net effect of making sure the story that the president’s personal lawyer, Michael “Roy” Cohen, admitted that he paid porn star Stormy Daniels $130,000 out of his own pocket (off topic, but that would have to be a pretty big damn pocket, no?) in October of 2016 wasn’t the lead scandal of the week. It is the classic “Boy meets girl, boy becomes major party nominee, then has lawyer pay girl, who happens to be a porn star $130,000 out of his own pocket for absolutely no reason” story.

You KNOW that photo is fake. There was no way on earth John “John” Edwards would put anything on that pretty head of his.

Speaking of heads, the heads of the US intelligence agencies this week again testified before the Senate committee investigating Russia’s meddling in our elections. The heads of the agencies said they had not been asked by the president to take steps to prevent Russian interference in the upcoming midterm elections. Vice-President and gay olympian baiter Mike Pence (sp?) took the administration’s denials of Russian meddling a step further than their normal lie about it, stating, “it is the universal conclusion of our intelligence communities that none of those efforts had any impact on the outcome of the 2016 election.” In one respect he is right. That respect would be if you pretend “universal” means “made up.” It is the biggest lie Pence has told (well other than that he didn’t know Flynn was a foreign agent) since he said, “Donald Trump is a good man.”

President Trump himself was thrown by the issue, saying, “All this talk about Russia. There is no medalling. We stopped it. They aren’t even competing, let alone medalling. When told the issue was Russian meddling, not Russian medalling, Trump respond forcefully:

The scope of Russian meddling in US elections and American government is coming in to sharp focus, causing many close observers to conclude this cannot be stopped before the fall. Sadly, by “the fall” they don’t mean the season.

Even with the Russians meddling, but not medalling, the Olympics continued apace in Pyeongchang, South Korea (again for those of you who are geographically challenged, it is the one right below North Korea). The US is currently in 5th place for overall medals — or as Donald Trump puts it “Many people are saying we are having our greatest Winter Olympics in at least the last 4 years, but probably ever.”

Snowboarder Shaun White, #HimToo, stunned the world by A) still being alive, and B) by winning a thrilling gold medal in either the halfbowl or the hashpipe.

Another thrilling moment for Team USA was when Chloe Kim also took home the gold medal for snowboarding. As a result of her stunning athletic achievement, defeating the best athletes in the world, Chloe earned the title of “a hot little piece of ass” by radio “personality” Patrick Connor, who noted her upcoming birthday as well. “Her 18th birthday is April 23, and the countdown is on, baby. That’s what I like about them high school girls. She’s fine as hell! If she was 18, you wouldn’t be ashamed to say that she’s a little hot piece of ass. And she is. She is adorable. I’m a huge Chloe Kim fan.” The comments cost Connor his job, and necessitated an apology from Trump himself: “I am sorry you went through this. This is very sad,” said the president … to Connor, before offering him a job as White house Staff Secretary.

In another stunning and under-appreciated feat, US figure skater Mirai Nagasu became the first American woman to land a triple axel.

In order to achieve gender equity in our reporting, we should also recognize William Bruce Rose, Jr. who achieved a triple Axl between 1985 and 2017.

Axl 1985
Triple Axl 2017

Finally, in international news, South African President Jacob Zima this week stepped down after nearly 9 years in office when it was learned that he is actually a disgusting beverage and not an ANC leader.

Former South African President Jacob Zima

Zima was immediately replaced by reality star turned fired reality star turned White House aide turn fired White House aide turned reality star Omarosa.

CORRECTION: We had much of this wrong, it turns out. The former president of South Africa was not a beverage after all. It was ANC leader and former Oakland A’s great Jacob Zuma.

His replacement was also not Omarosa, but rather Ramaphosa.

In our defense, we only know anything about this because Zuma was once the Deputy to President Mbeki, and Mbeki is really fun to say. Particularly after a few Zumas or a halfpipe.

And that’s the way the weak spent the week in a country where the incidents of voter fraud have been found to occur in 0.0003 % of votes cast, meaning, according to experts, a person is far more likely to be struck by lightning than they are to commit voter fraud, and the president impanels a commission to solve it, yet there have been 18 school shootings, and the president calls for a moment of silence and a lowered flag.

Note: There is nothing funny about students and teachers being killed or maimed in a classroom, or families in a theater, or the faithful in houses of worship, or fans at a concert, or members of Congress at baseball practice — any number of people and places across America where innocents are slaughtered because of the abject cowardice of a group of politicians who fear the economic might and organizational strength of corporate special interests who have masked their insatiable greed in the guise of fetishizing one particular right written 227 years ago. That greed persists, even as the blood pools up around the expensive designer shoes on their fat, greedy feet. Today, because of this cowardice and fetishizing, there are parents who would give anything to yell at their son or daughter for drinking the orange juice straight from the carton — the carton that is still in the very spot on the shelf in the fridge where they left it yesterday morning. There are little brothers and sisters who would give anything to have their older sibling help them with their math homework.There are dirty socks in the living room, thrown there by a teenager (who never came home from school yesterday)— because that’s what teenagers do. There are lots of things that teenagers do — getting gunned down in their school or knowing how to evacuate during an active shooter situation shouldn’t be among them. Times have certainly changed. When we were kids, there was a demonstrable need for After School programs. Today, there is a demonstrable need for After School Shootings programs. And our leaders pretend that nothing can be done, that this is the cost of freedom. Ask that mom looking at that carton of orange juice if that fucking freedom is worth the price.

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