WWE: President Trump Will Officiate At John Cena–Nikki Bella Wedding
President says presiding over nuptials will give him chance to see old wrestling friends and “get a little sumpin’ sumpin’ on the side”
Sometime later this year, President Donald Trump will leave Washington, D.C. and return to one of the places where he learned to lie, cheat, and pull the wool over the public’s eye — the WWE wrestling universe.
The White House and WWE announced today that the president has agreed to officiate at the much-publicized wedding of two mega-superstars of the professional wrestling world; the musclebound ring hero John Cena and his beautiful girlfriend and fellow wrestler, Nikki Bella, whose real name is Stephanie Nicole Garcia-Colace.
In an early morning tweet the president wrote: “Excited to marry off John and Nikki and meet other Total Divas — practicing my takedowns!”
Mr. Trump said later that returning to his roots at WWE was “a chance to get back to my people — the gullible and under educated crazies of this country who take every insane word I say as if it were gospel and who understand that my vulgar, tasteless, boorish behavior is as American as apple pie.”
One of two experienced staffers in Mr. Trump’s White House is said to be concerned that presiding over the Cena–Bella nuptials could undermine the president’s credibility. But Senior Advisor and Chief Machiavellian Steve Bannon has given his blessing to the appearance saying, “What credibility?”
John Cena dropped to his knee last Sunday night in front of millions of WWE fans who watched the 33rd annual WrestleMania event unfold live on TV, and proposed to Ms. Bella while presenting her with an enormous engagement ring.
The WWE wrestling phenomena is one the president is said to love and support. Led by master showman and CEO, Vince McMahon, a personal friend of the president’s, the WWE has 750 million social media followers and receives upwards of three million television viewers per week. All are expected to be watching intently as Mr. Trump, a WWE Hall of Famer himself, stands before the king and queen of wrestling to lead them in their shared vows.
Of the unprecedented event, Mr. Trump said, “When John popped the question on Sunday night on television, my first thought was, ‘Oh, no John, don’t do this you stupid schmuck!’ But later when Vince told me that I would stand to make between $12–14 million, plus a nice slice of the pay-per-view for being the first U.S. president to preside over a WWE wrestling wedding, I thought, ‘What the hell, Cera can always get a divorce if he meets someone younger and hotter.’ So now I say, let the marital cage match begin!”
No firm wedding date has been announced, but the White House has already said that President Trump is prepared to drop everything to attend the Cera–Bella event, short of a golf outing with Tiger Woods or a nuclear war.
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